On Christmas morning my mother made cinnamon buns, as she always does. Our family enjoyed a lovely day together. Mind you, my family had spent all day commenting on my cooking skills, because it just kept coming up, but I’m used to the verbal abuse.

Towards the end of the evening, I decided I wanted to have one of the cinnamon rolls left over from breakfast. Don’t worry, I had no intention of using the oven, as you all know would have been a horrible idea doomed to fail with no hope for redemption.

So, I enter the kitchen and find the cinnamon rolls. There were two left. I picked one, put in on a plate, and put it in the microwave. I noticed that the microwave was still set for 2 minutes from someone elses reheating adventure. Now, rather than clearing the microwave settings, I just figured I’d press Start.

Then I saw some dishes and thought, “Hey, it’s Christmas, a nice thing to do would be the dishes.” So I’m doing the dishes, loving life, and all a sudden my mom is screaming, “Anna!!!” 

I turn around and there is smoke pouring out of the microwave. My mom opens the microwave, removes my masterpeice carefully, and then opens a bunch of windows so as to avoid the fire alarm. The whole time is is laughing so hard that she can barely speak. I did manage to catch these key phrases from the hysterics:

 ”It’s just a cinnamon roll!!”

“Twenty seconds! thats all it takes!”

Or my favorite, “Anna (haha) we (haha) were (haha) just (haha) talking (ha) about this!”

Right. “Okay, you know what?” I said, “I don’t care. I can’t cook. I have made peace with this, it’s something I’ve accepted about myself.”

My mom shook her head and went back to the living room to tell everyone what i’d done. Several people came to see the show, I gave them a tour the events. 

Once my failure stopped being the main source of entertainment for others, I walked over calmly and grabbed the second, not ruined cinnamon roll. I put it on a plate, put the plate in the microwave, pressed “20 seconds” and then waited for those 20 seconds to be up. Then I took the cinnamon bun out of the microwave, ate it, and it was glorious.

The reason I mention this is that this is symbolic of my life right now. I feel like my life has been full of burnt cinnamon moments. Times when I just failed miserably, when I was despairing over life, when I felt wasted and used and broken and hopeless. But I can choose to focus on the failure or to start over.

Every day is a new cinnamon bun, and we can look back or we can move forward. And usually, I tend to look back. I reflect on things and worry about things because doing so feels like changing them. But it’s not changing them. It’s reopening old wounds. It’s burning bad mental patterns into my brain.

I have said that I’m keeping Show & Tell. I have said that I’m leaving Show & Tell. I have said many, many things. The truth is I don’t know what to do. But I’m going to let go of this because holding on is too hard right now. I’m going to take my own advice. This was good for me for a while, but it’s time to do something else. Something more me. I will miss this, but it’s time to go.

Side note: I posted a video of my burnt cinnamon bun on the Show & Tell facebook page. There isn’t a video of the second cinnamon bun I made because I was too busy enjoying it.

So, I’ve been thinking more and more about Show & Tell. And I don’t want to do it right now. I’m scared to move forward with it, so I’m going to wait. I am going to focus on me for a while, whatever that means.

This blog has been amazing for me, for a while. It was therapeutic, to write about the things I wrote about. To express the things I needed to express. But right now, I’m just putting pressure on myself to do this and it’s too much to handle. So I will be on my way in life. I am moving forward.

Thank you to everyone who read my posts, I hope they helped you in some way.

-Anna Karin Westbrook

I’ve been having night terrors lately. As in, really bad panic attacks. Worrying myself to sleep, and surprisingly not feeling rested at all. Each time I freaked out until I passed out, I got more nervous about sleeping.

On Monday morning I woke up and felt exactly the same way that I had felt when I went to sleep. That same anxiety, which is really just repressed fear, was with me literally from the moment I opened my eyes. And I couldn’t handle it.

So I went to a pawn shop and I sold a bunch of things that I love, and tried to buy an iphone, and applied for a business credit card, and almost moved out of my house and into an apartment, and then ended up purchasing a car. And by purchasing, I mean signing up for monthly payments, because that’s how these things work.

And I am okay with all of that. I immediately regretted it all, yes, because I regret everything. Regret is like my favorite feeling ever, apparently. But, I have decided not to caste judgement. I am not going to go over whether everything I sold was “the right thing to do.” When I think about it, some of the stuff I sold was good for me, and some was bad. That’s how life is. I’m trying to be okay with that. I have punished myself with negative, self-hating mental patterns for too long.

My God is bigger than that, and my God is better than that.

I do know that I have been rushing ahead out of fear, so I’m going to slow down and focus on my business, on writing, on thinking better thoughts. I don’t know if this online school is right for me. I don’t know if I can handle doing school and work. And I don’t want to quit my job.

A pastor in Texas told me that I don’t have to get over my past, because I never will. Rather, I need to let it go. He also told me I was at a turning point in my life, but he didn’t know if I would turn. And I am doubting myself and I fear that everything I’m doing is part of the “wrong path” and I need to turn around. But maybe I’ve done enough turning. I am essentially spinning around in circles at this point, repeating old behaviors, going over old stuff, feeling old feelings. And in a way it’s good, because all of this stuff is working it’s way out of me. This is how I’m getting to where I need to go, unfortunately and fortunately.

I don’t think I’ve fully let go of my past, but I think I’ve started and I hope I can finish.

- Anna Karin Westbrook

Hi.

It’s me, Anna.

I am terrified right now.

Karen spoke to me about feeling like she needed to leave Show & Tell, feeling like she needed to focus on her own business. And now she has taken a hiatus, for who knows how long. I am proud of her for stepping out on a limb and doing what she needs to do. I am glad she is doing what’s right for her.

I felt fine doing Show & Tell, however. It was helping me, even. 

I think I am supposed to do this by myself for a while.

I’m currently feeling a lot of anxiety. Anxiety that comes from repressed fear. Anxiety that comes from lying to myself. I have lived in total self-denial. I have been a writer who doesn’t write, a singer who doesn’t sing, a musician who avoids music, and a Christian who doesn’t trust God.

My God has never abandoned me. But I have not moved forward.

Until this past week. I made a million random changes all at once and now I feel horribly scared. 

I decided to go back to school. I dropped out of school one year ago, and there’s a whole lot of emotions coming back to me from that time. I am going to pursue an online Music Business degree, which means admitting that I want to sing the songs that I write (it also means admitting that I write music). I have to take out loans for this Music Business program. And loans have always been a deep fear of mine. I have never wanted them, yet they are part of my life. 

I tried to go rush ahead and get an apartment recently. I tried to manipulate God. I tried to force his hand. These things happen in due time. I hate waiting for due time. I worry that in going back to school I am doing the same thing. 

I worry that I do not love my God enough, that He is not going to give me good things. But I have driven myself mad holding back from these dreams. And I don’t know why, but I think Show & Tell is a part of this. So I’m going to keep at this.

I’m going to Show who I am and Tell my story because I am important. 

-“Tell” / Anna Karin Westbrook

I found this wonderful Oprah quote this past week during my Staycation while looking for inspirational running quotes.

And then I saw this.

And then I cried.

And then I realized something.

I am not putting my all into Show & Tell. I am not giving the 110% that I want to give. I procrastinate on my posts. I want to write; yet I don’t. My heart feels heavy writing posts. 

“Karen… is this a breakup post…?”

Yes. Yes, this is a breakup post.

Dear Show & Tell, it’s not you… it’s me.

I love Show & Tell. I absolutely love what I’ve written for Show & Tell, I love the idea of Show & Tell, and I love what Show & Tell could grow up to be someday.

But… I love Karen Schlink Photography more.

Right now, I need to put my 110% into my photography business. I need to put all of my heart into my photography, into my blog posts on that site, into my marketing… I feel this year is a make it or break it year for Karen Schlink Photography. I have worked too hard the past three years to let it become a break it year.

Even though I love Show & Tell so much… it’s not the right time for me for to do Show & Tell. I’m sorry Show & Tell, but if we’re going to do this I want to be able to put my whole heart into this blog and right now… my heart isn’t into it at all.

I’m not saying Show & Tell is done for good, that I’m never coming back, that I hate this blog, or anything terrible like that. I’m saying right now I need to do what’s right for me, and that’s to concentrate on Karen Schlink Photography. I might post once in a while, when my heart really needs to say something, I might not. A year from now I pray I can start back up Show & Tell full time… But I just need to see where this year takes Karen Schlink Photography.

“Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.”
- Joshua 1:9

My personal definition of success:

To be myself, all of the time, no matter what I’m doing, or who I am with.

- “Tell” / Anna Karin Westbrook

Question:

What does success mean to you?

-“Tell” / Anna Karin Westbrook

Question:

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done?

Check out the facebook page for this video of one of my masterpieces.

“Tell” / Anna Karin Westbrook

Question:

Would you eat it?

This is a “screenshot” of my website. Ten points to my little sister for teaching me how to do a “screenshot.” One point to me for knowing what  ”screenshot” was before today and asking my sister to show me how to do a “screenshot” using the proper term, which is “screenshot.”

The official web address is www.annawestbrook.com

Go explore!!!!!!

- “Tell” / Anna Karin Westbrook

Question:

Do you like it?

Hello, Hello!! It’s so sad that it’s 6:12pm and i am just now writing this Show & Tell post. Such an eventful day. What’s not so sad is that now you have the opportunity to see what it’s like to me be. I’m going to do one of those kind of annoying posts where I just recite everything that happened. (I once considered myself above such nonsense, oh, how the mighty have fallen),

I woke up this morning at 7:15 and blasted Lady Gaga as I used all my speediness to get ready to go to work. I do not usually work mornings, but I was asked to fill in as a teacher’s aid at a local elementary school where I was formally employed.

I got to work at 8:00 by some act of God. (or maybe it was Gaga, she’s magic like that). Walking in, I clutched my Dunkin Donuts for dear life and repeated, “Dear Lord, it’s cold,” over and over again. Seriously, how cold was it today? Someone came out of the front door as I was a few feet away, and did NOT hold the door for me. I freaked out at him, I don’t know what sort of noise I made, because I was in a state of panic and had earmuffs on, but my point was made. He did a 180 turn and grabbed the door for me. I thanked him kindly as I would have frozen waiting for the secretaries to let me in to the building.

As I walked down the hallway to get the first graders from their bus line, I realized I didn’t feel very happy. I don’t socialize well for at least an hour after waking up. I also realized that I felt sick. “I should be in bed,” I thought. Then I spent the next three hours lamenting my situation. All I could think about was how cold it was and how at 11:00 the students would go outside for recess. And then when we went outside for recess, we would be OUTSIDE and I had to be OUTSIDE where it was cold. So, instead of being thankful for the extra hours or the pleasant company of my current environment, I spent the morning begging my coffee cup to teach me how to be human. Then, 11:00 came. And we went outside for recess. 

I held the door open for all the children, screaming, “RUN!!! You have to RUNNNN!!! or you are going to FREEEEZEEEE!!!” Which the children loved, although the other teacher’s assistants may not have appreciated it. Then I taught some kids how to do step-ups on the jungle gym to keep warm. (Yesterday we did “the keep-warm dance,” but I think variety is important). When that got boring we played a game of reverse-tag or catch-ms-anna. I am very fast and impressive as I can jump over high things and swing dramatically across the zip-line thing. There was a group of about 25 children chasing me at one point. I felt like the pied-piper, but more freezing.

Oh, and at some point in all of that I got to go inside because a kid had an asthma attack and I had to take her to the nurse! What luck! (she was fine, don’t worry).

Then I made copies or something like that, I don’t even know. When I left the school, I thought I was going to die because I remembered I felt sick.

(My response to sickness is denial. I will not look sick, sound sick or act sick, but be very sick, and then just collapse one day and wonder why. I’m learning not to do that).

So I went home, called my boss from my actual job running an afterschool program and told her about my sickness. She got me coverage because she is an angel of a woman, and I laid in my bed.

After sleeping…ish…I did some website editing from my bed (still counts as rest, right?). I focused on the “Have Fun” page under my Personal Goals for my business. I took the day I had at work and used it as an example of the principle I base my two rules in life/children’s programming around. The two rules are Be Respectful and Have Fun. The principle is that if you are not respectful, you will not have fun. Therefore, if you are not having fun, it’s because you are not being respectful.

Then Karen texted me because she was starving to death at work, so I brought her my leftover Sponge Bob mac-n-cheese. (Honestly, regular mac-n-cheese can’t compare, not even the twisty kind).

Upon my return to the house, I took a really long shower, painted my nails, laid in my bed, tried to tell my body to be better, pondered whether or not I was in denial of my sickness by being productive, checked my email, responded to a bazillion questions some girl who is going to study abroad with the same program I did sent to me (actually I responded to the first ten and said I’d email the rest later, because, come on, that was so many questions), chatted with my Dad, read some Andy Stanley, etc.

Then, the best thing I did was finished the lesson plans on Dominican-Haitian relations that I have been working on since June! As in, all the edits, done. I have been doing these dang things forever!!!!!!!! I am in shock. They are done.

Anyway, that’s what it’s like to be me…at least for today.

Now I’m going to eat pizza.

-“Tell” / Anna Karin Westbrook

Question:

Want to trade lives?